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Complete Fixing the holes in my heart

Discussion in 'Morhall' started by Roy Mustang, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. Roy Mustang

    Roy Mustang Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    118
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    29/30
    Date-8th of January, year 7
    Tags- @Riza Hawkeye

    It had been four days since he'd last spoken to the woman he was dating, he had no idea if they were still worthy of being called that after so long of silence. That thought alone had agony ripping through his chest, he'd not been sleeping well, he wanted to be with her and yet he had been so angry, so frightened, so upset at discovering the information she had withheld from him. The contents of of the information had burned him and the knowledge she had not told him had only added insult to injury. Even so he'd spent days agonising over the distance he'd put between them even if in his anger he wanted her as far from him as possible, yet as the days had gone by he had begun to realise that as much as Riza was i the wrong, so was he with what he'd said. It was that which Hughes words the previous evening had reminded him of, the fact that through it all, knowing what he had done Riza had always had his back no matter what.

    So finally he was seeking her out, intent on putting things right even if the knowledge that had hurt him still burned in his chest, he had come to the realisation that he needed her and that in his moment of injury he had hurt her, something he had not meant to do. He had searched a few places before he found her, out on the shooting range out on one of the mountains snow covered slopes, a gun in her hands and her aim as good as ever. For a moment he teetered in the tunnel, hidden in the shadows afraid of what the confrontation might bring and his mind racing what if she refuses to talk? Or my apology? She has a gun in her hands.... What if she tries to shoot me? No this is Riza she would never do that... He knew he was being silly but suddenly he had no idea what to say or do. It was rare for Roy to get nervous like this and he didn't like it when it occurred.

    Scowling to himself he forced aside the anxious thoughts, smoothing his face into its usual brooding expression and moving out of the safety of the shadows. He approached her carefully, noting the snow on the ground made it slippy and even as he did this he called"Hawkeye..." Alerting her to his presence before he reached the fence positioned behind the shooting position at the edge of the makeshift shooting range that stopped people from entering when rounds were being fired without climbing it or going through the gate. He leaned against the fence as he spoke again, this time using Hawkeye's first name"Riza, if you can be pulled away from shooting holes in targets for a brief moment.... I need to talk to you..."
     
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  2. Riza Hawkeye

    Riza Hawkeye Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Soldier
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    27
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    There was something cold, absolute and pure about sharpshooting that made it perfect for mental and emotional confusion- and especially heartbreak. She'd always heard that from Rebecca, after a particularly tempestuous relationship; to be honest, all of Rebecca's had been, which was part of the reason Riza had taken that bit of unneeded wisdom with a grain of salt when she'd given it. Trust me, there's nothing better than breaking their heart with a bullet, or busting a cap in their balls. Fortunately Riza had a long memory because right now that was just what she needed, if in her own way. A gun didn't need your feelings and a target didn't need your musing- it needed a steady hand, a steady eye and a steady breath.

    Those she'd rallied quickly enough when she'd gotten here. While targets were few and far between she'd taken to sticking small, metallic stars to various pieces of paper or branches and arranging those around her. The small, gold star in her sights kept down the worry of what it meant if your lover didn't say anything except for what was necessary for business for three days. When it was gone, the thought remained but fortunately there was a little red star shining. That pushed down the sorrow and regret, the painful words, and she took the shot. A silver star, that was the exhaustion and tears and hollowness, at least for a moment obscured as she lined up her sights again, and fired again.

    So focused was she that it took a moment for her to realize that a familiar voice was speaking to her from the gate, and she half-turned to look at him, her expression neutral. It was him, and not her mind playing tricks on her- but as sad as she was, that seed of agonizing hurt and anger remained and she gave him a steady look before turning back to her target practice again. He looked regretful, she'd seen that- but somehow it didn't help. He'd had that in his expression when he'd walked out too, under the anger. Could she really ignore him though? Yes, actually, a pragmatic part of her said, and she had to focus her eyes deliberately once more in shock at that realization.

    Even though she was casting it aside. She couldn't do otherwise, not when there was Morhall to consider, and her promises to him, and his to her. But that didn't mean she was stopping either. Especially since this might not be good news, and if she wasn't shooting when she heard it she might well buckle or fall. "I'm relatively sure I can shoot and listen at the same time, Mr. Mustang," she told him calmly. "Old habits."
     
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  3. Roy Mustang

    Roy Mustang Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    118
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    29/30
    The look she gave him, it made him want to retreat back into the cave, but he knew he could not he had to stay there, he had to go through with this, he needed her and the fact she reacted this way too him only made the pain within worse as he wondered at what he'd done. He tried to keep the smooth brooding expression upon his face but there was a glint of pain within his dark, brown eyes and the mask trembled slightly. He made himself keep looking at her even as he wanted to turn his gaze away, to hide his pain. The words she spoke were so formal too, Mr Mustang and his heart plummeted further within him and his grip on the fence tightened as she went on about being able to do both. He wanted to plead with her to stop, to look at him to talk with him but instead he gave her a tiny nod, hating himself suddenly for the fact he had done this too her. The look in her eyes, the edge to her voice, the need to keep on shooting and his hands trembled against the fence, as suddenly the fear of being unable to fix this hit him. He swallowed, trying to push the emotions away, to focus on her alone as he made himself speak"I'm a fool... I hurt you again..."

    His voice faded, as he looked for the right words "Riza, I was angry, I lashed out at you and you didn't deserve it, not truly.... You were trying to protect me, telling me bad news when I was in the hospital and I might have tried to act on it before I was ready... I understand that... You've always done your duty, you've always had my back and I was wrong to claim otherwise...." His gaze dropped to his hands suddenly, he was struggling to keep the smooth mask in place, emotions were starting to slip through and yet he made himself continue "Riza... I was just so... Angry... So upset, he was... Is my best friend, losing him... It felt like I had been ripped open to the deepest depths of my soul... And you didn't tell me, I deserved to know....." The mask was still crumbling further as he made himself continue" I reacted badly though and for that I am sorry... I should not have... Because I hurt you and I pushed you away, both of which were wrong of me...." He drifted off before lifting his pained gaze to hers as he still tried to find more words, tried to find a way to tell her he was sorry and to get her to understand.
     
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  4. Riza Hawkeye

    Riza Hawkeye Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Soldier
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    27
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    Out of the corner of her eye she could see the hurt in that waver that crossed his face, even as he pushed it aside, and for a moment she almost wished he let the sincerity of it stay- hypocritical as that was. It wasn't like she was in any rush to let her pain show plainly or allow cracks and weakness, even if it was there in her eyes anyway. Fortunately aiming a gun required looking straight ahead at the target without tears, and she could blink those aside faster than most people would think.

    Another target was there, she could see the golden gleam in the shifting light, so her gaze fell there, even if most of her wanted to take in his handsome features more, to smooth the pain from them. This wasn't the time, not with the anger that still wanted to simmer back up. Granting him forgiveness would be so, so easy, if only to make the pain stop as quickly and easily as possible- but false forgiveness was wrong, and solved nothing in the long run. He didn't like seeing her hurt, his words said that, and her heart broke a little at his tone- she hated seeing him hurt too, and the memory of the anger and pain she'd seen at that dinner rushed through her.

    As his voice faded she took her shot. This was for the tears that wanted to fall, and her lingering anger and doubt at herself. She'd thought she was right to keep it quiet, and even now she would rather bear the weight of his ire rather than imagine what could have happened if he stormed out of that hospital again, or went looking for Envy for revenge rather than looking for a home here. At least he was alive, and well, even if it was without her heart and his entwined. Even if she wanted, more than anything, to have that feeling again. It wasn't that she wasn't whole without him- it was that there was no point in being whole and so alone.

    Then he was speaking again and she listened to him as the shot faded. She hadn't known what to expect, and had feared that uncertainty, but he started with an apology and she could feel her soul quaking at the feeling in it. She couldn't doubt his sincerity, and even as he admitted her duty she pressed her lips together thinly, brow furrowing in a brief flash of pain. She had been doing that, every moment, bearing that weight on her back to replace the flame alchemy that had been burned off of it. If that wasn't love, keeping that pain forever and cherishing it, what was? She wanted to say she knew it hurt him to lose Hughes, because of course it had, she knew it well. It had rained.

    Swallowing she closed her eyes for a moment, lowering her gun to her side as she took a deep breath and pressed back some more tears as she looked down, a tired stoop in her shoulders and back and heart. "I know," she said quietly, a quaver of quiet agony in her voice as she strove to keep it steady. "It wasn't something I did for the joy of it. But someone had to move forward, and that person must always be you. So I chose. I'm sorry that it had to be done, but if you had seen what I did.." She stopped there, and shook her head quickly, then reached into her coat pocket as though to search for another clip, but to actually hide the shaking of her free hand.
     
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  5. Roy Mustang

    Roy Mustang Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    118
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    29/30
    He could see only half her face and for a lot of the conversation it had been obscured by her godforsaken gun, but he caught occasional flashes of her pain and each time he did his heart had crumbled further as silently he took the blame for causing that pain to be there. Finally though the gun was lowering, he could see the pain openly on her face now as she shut her eyes still not looking at him and seeing her do that his fingers dug through the snow into the wood beneath his hands. He wanted to go to her, to hug her, to stop her pain and then she was speaking her voice soft, telling him she knew. Roy knew she knew, but the note of agony in her voice shot through him like an icy shard and he couldn't help himself moving along the fence towards the gate.

    He suddenly, desperately wanted to stop that pain, he wanted to comfort her and as she apologised to him, explaining her actions. It was in that moment he realised he didn't care, he'd already forgiven her upon the moment he had come to understand why she did it. He was at the gate now, letting himself in to the shooting range behind her as she finished. Once inside the range he paused, just within the gate his heart pounding in a painful damaged fashion against his chest as he made himself speak again"Riza... I understand why you did it and I forgive you for it because I know that you would only ever do it for good reason, even if I dislike the fact you did it..." He spoke softly carefully, before continuing"I don't know what you saw in the future, but I believe you and I trust your judgement... I just wish I could take back how I reacted the other night because it proves my judgement was not what it once was..."

    He wanted to move closer, to sweep her into her arms and hold her close but he still didn't know what she wanted, he still did not know if she forgave him for his role, for hurting her so. He swallowed, hiding his shaking hands in a way similar to how she hid hers by stuffing them in his coats pockets and for a moment he was quiet dropping his gaze to the snow white floor. He shuffled awkwardly on the spot, nudging the snow with his feet and then he was speaking softly"You know what hurts most of all, its not what you did or said... It's what I did.... I pushed you away... I caused this... This rift... And I hurt you..." He was looking up now, his dark eyes filled with a little guilt but flooded with pain as he went on an edge of agony in his voice"These last few days, I've had another taste of what it would be like to lose you... And this time it is all from my own making... How could I do this? How could I ruin us when I can barely function without you?"
     
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  6. Riza Hawkeye

    Riza Hawkeye Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Soldier
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    27
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    There was a part of her that still, stubbornly, maintained that she didn't need forgiveness for doing what she'd been trained, conditioned and educated to do- but she swallowed it down. It was made much, much easier with her pragmatic awareness that he likely still felt he was right to be angry about it. Perhaps both things were right in their own way, and they could simultaneously have made a large mistake and done what had to be done all at the same time. It wasn't a happy answer for the woman who wanted all of the reasons for things to be simple- but then, what was simpler than 'sometimes things must be as they are'?

    She heard the gate swing open and his boots crunching against the icy leaves and patchy snow as he stepped inside, and for a moment a shudder moved through her body. He was right there, not exactly close, but closer, and she instinctively yearned toward him inwardly if not outwardly. It was impossible for her to smell his cologne from here, and yet she imagined she could, and that it carried some of his warmth to her. It seared her skin more than fire ever could have.

    Still, she couldn't help a faint, brief flash of a wry smile as he spoke. I'm not sure either or our judgments can go back to what they were, Roy, she thought with a dryly acerbic edge, but also with a feeling of welling affection. It was a small hope, maybe, but she was starting to think he really did understand that. And the more he spoke, the more the hope caught and glowed in her. He didn't just regret getting angry for her doing her job- he regretted the distance. The sadness. That was what she had wondered all along- whether he was upset about angering his bodyguard and subordinate that he still needed for his work, or someone he still loved despite a mistake.

    Slowly she opened her eyes and looked over toward him as he shifted the snow, and a rush of feelings flooded through her- but a bit of embarrassment at her own anger came first and she flushed. But what was there to do about that except endure it? Slowly, picking her way through the snow, she walked closer to him, stopping a few feet away and searching his face for a moment before speaking. "Our judgment is different. If things had been the way they are now at the hospital, I might have told you. But I can't say for sure because it was never done to hurt you. I understand your were hurt, and why you needed time to think. It hurt, but it was a necessary pain, so I tried to bear it. And it was so hard."

    Pausing for a moment she collected her thoughts. There was so much to say. "Nothing is ruined. One battle has never been able to defeat us, no matter how painful, or how complicated. It won't happen now either. Neither of us won, but we're alive. We're still here, standing together, if that is your wish. Even with a glimpse of hell."

    Unable to take the weight of the tension anymore she dropped her gaze and stepped closer to him and reached out her arms to give him a hug that he seemed to need as much as she did.
     
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  7. Roy Mustang

    Roy Mustang Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    118
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    29/30
    She didn't start shooting her gun again and for that Roy felt grateful, but she did finally seem to let go of that invisible breath he felt like she had been holding and she did finally turn to look at him, her eyes open, more focused than before. He noticed she gained a red flush to her face as she looked at him and yet he could only notice the yearning in his heart as she gazed at him. Then to the smallest light of joy in his heart she was moving closer to him through the snow, she was actually facing him, coming closer and the tiniest spot of hope that somehow they could fix this distance between them came with her. She was looking into his face now and he had no idea what she was looking for, was it for signs of anger? sadness? pain? hope? All he could do was stare straight back, his dark fringe falling into his eyes from the angle his head was at and his face more open than when he had first sought her out.

    A mingling of pain, sadness and longing washing over it as the mask he so often wore seemed to crumble further. Then finally she was speaking and he listened, she made sense as always but he longed to change it, to take a way the pain. He missed the naive days where they had thought pain was never necessary, but he knew better now and yet somehow it still hurt knowing he had hurt her, knowing there was nothing he could do to take it back. He didn't trust himself to speak in response, not yet so he simply nodded and Riza started speaking again. Her words wiped away some of the pain and replaced it with hope, the words were't exactly happy but they suggested that a future was not lost unto them. Then best of all Riza was reaching for him even if she dropped his gaze she was reaching for him.

    Roy needed no encouragement as he stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest, cradling her as if she was the most precious thing in the world. His eyes closed as he now fought back a sudden welling of tears behind his dark gaze and his mouth was by her ear murmuring"It is my wish to stand with you... Always..." He swallowed before forcing himself to continue on"If anything this has taught me just how much I need you Riza... without you I am not truly whole or so it feels..."His eyed opened and gently he pressed a kiss to the side of her head, breathing in her scent as he did so and a feeling of home settled in his chest. He leaned back from he so as to look at her face, to see what she was thinking and then he was pulling her back into his chest, wanting to offer her comfort, wanting to somehow rid her of her pain even without caring for his own.
     
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  8. Riza Hawkeye

    Riza Hawkeye Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Soldier
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    27
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    Even as she hoped, longed for and wanted him to return the gesture of affection she knew that there was still a chance he might not. Even if he accepted her hug, he might not be ready to return to being as close as they had been and draw her in. That was fine, either way, she could take the first step to trying to repair things. If it didn't go right, she could accept that too, even if it stung. At least she had her duty, her memories and her hope for further repairs to keep her company. It was more than she'd had a year ago.

    But hope and love proved true for once and he was stepping closer and pulling her in, and she went willingly, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. He was there, real and actual, warm in the cold and not just allowing her near, but holding her there, and she inhaled his scent deeply and felt her eyes well up behind her eyelids. All of the tension she'd sensed in Roy earlier seemed to have gone, leaving him steady. That same tension had been all that kept her stiff and standing, it seemed, because as it left her she shuddered and leaned on him more. There was a dizziness in her, a lightness of heart that made her knees weak as she let go of the weight of regret and fear.

    As he murmured against her ear she felt a fresh shudder and hugged him all the tighter for it, sighing as she did so and smiling at the kiss. When he pulled away she looked up and met his gaze, emotionally tired but content to be near him, and happy, if still a bit abashed, especially at his sweet words. He pulled her against him again and she nuzzled into his neck, inhaling the scent of his skin again. It was as if she'd been locked up and having him near opened her back up again. "I missed you so much, Roy," she told him quietly. "I've never been that lonely or hollow before in my life. Thank you for coming back so I could be complete with you again." And with that she pressed a kiss against his neck and smiled.
     
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  9. Roy Mustang

    Roy Mustang Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    118
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    29/30
    The way she pressed into him as if he was some kind shelter from the pain that had haunted them for a vast portion of their life warmed his heart further and he found himself desiring to never let her go again, no matter what he could not do this to her again. So silently as he held her he swore to do better, to be better and even as he made the silent oath he could feel he leaning into him, the tension gone, they were one once again. He had noted the exhaustion upon her face, but also the contentment and joy had slowly been returning, the sight of them had brought the tiniest of smiles to his own face. The pain had faded as the lost warmth and happiness had found its way back onto his face, his dark eyes glittering with the love he held for her.

    With her pressed back against him as he hugged her to him continuing to try and ease away the sorrow of the past few days he could feel her face pressing into his neck like she was some kind of cat nuzzling into him. The sensation sent a spike of warmth through his body and the small smile grew wider as he continued to hold her, his cheek resting against her soft, silky hair as the smell of her shampoo seemed to wrap around him. He heard her soft murmur and though he was pleased to hear she had missed him he also felt a stab of pain in his chest knowing that he had hurt her with his absence. She was not done there as she went on and his smile gained a sad edge to it, even as she thanked him for coming back to her.

    Before he could respond once she finished speaking he could feel her lips pressing against his lips and he could feel the warmth that had shot through him before was back. He could not help the small, happy sigh that escaped him, but then he was squeezing her gentle forcing himself to try to think straight and words escaped him"I missed you too... And as for coming back, I am always going to come back for you Riza... Whether its after some raging argument or if Fullmetal has somehow lead you off on a wild goose chase or if Space pirates have snatched you away... I will always come after you.... Because I love you and I refuse to be parted from you."

    His mouth was right by her ear again as he spoke softly, lovingly into her ear. Gently he began stroking soothing smoothing circles into her back and then he was murmuring"Lets go inside into the warm, make a cup of tea each and sit by the heat of the fire together... We've both had a tough week and need some time to relax..." It was a quiet plea that just this once she let him take care of her as she took care of him and a silent desire to make up for hurting her again.
     
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  10. Riza Hawkeye

    Riza Hawkeye Fullmetal Alchemist

    Posts:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Soldier
    Race:
    Human
    Age:
    27
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    It was still surprising to her, how she could disarm someone who was usually so collected and charming with a little gesture or a smile, and seeing that it was still true was even more precious now that it had seemed so close to lost. His sigh and his smile were warming and brought a flush to her cheeks and a flash of alluring adoration to her eyes even as she smiled back. There was a suffusion of warmth throughout her entire body, and the giddy lightness of it all remained. The pain of the past days still lingered in the knowledge that those days couldn't ever come back and be good, but at least they were back together again.

    "I love you too. Don't worry, I don't intend to let you be silent to me for more than a day or two again," she told him with a rueful tone, cocking her head and looking back up at him. And she meant it too. Arguments came and went, they'd had them as long as they'd known each other, and if shouting it out and letting the anger win for awhile was what it took then so be it. Better that than the silence and loneliness.

    As he suggested going back inside in that low, sweet way of his she nodded in agreement, a small, contented sound leaving her throat in a sigh. Unfortunately that also meant moving from this warm and loving embrace, but that would just have to be done- for the sake of more closeness to come. "A very long week is the understatement of the century," she told him jokingly as she pulled away, switching on her gun's safety and switching it from her pocket to her holster, then taking his hand before they headed back into the cave entrance.
     
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