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Private in nomine diaboli

Discussion in 'Schola Praeditos' started by Sabrina Spellman, Jun 1, 2019.

  1. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
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    June 3rd, Y108

    Sabrina had never been to therapy before.

    There had been times in her life where it might have greatly benefited her. When she was a small child trying to cope with never getting to know her parents, it might have been nice to speak to someone about the multitude of feelings she had on the subject. Her aunts were a great source of comfort to her, there was no doubt about that, but she could never be fully honest with them about how even the greatest outpouring of their love couldn’t make her stop missing her mother and father. It might have been helpful to talk to someone detached and unbiased about how she was feeling…but then, how beneficial could a therapy session really be when Sabrina could only ever speak about half of her life? The other half, her witch-half, was far too secret to ever bring into discussion. It just wasn't an option.

    Now that Sabrina was in Pandora, however, that was no longer the case. Attending Schola meant living as an ‘out’ witch. She could talk about magic as much as she liked, without repercussion, because everyone around her was magical as well. Sabrina enjoyed this newfound freedom immensely – though it had to be said that certain aspects of her life were still kept secret, at least to most people. She did not advertise the fact that she belonged to the Church of Night, nor that her magic was infernal in nature. Somehow, she just didn’t think that these aspects of her life would be welcomed by most of her peers.

    There was nothing stopping her from spilling all of her troubles to a therapist, however, and the idea that she might do so had been weighing on her mind lately. She was struggling – had been ever since the night of her baptism – and coming to Pandora meant having far fewer people to lean on than ever before. She needed to talk to someone, to gain some perspective on the changes in her life, without holding back, and this seemed as good an option as any. If it all went poorly…well, at least she’d tried.

    Sabrina arrived on time for her appointment. She didn’t really know what to expect and felt some nervousness creeping into the pit of her stomach as she raised her fist to knock on the therapist’s door, but she was quick to suppress the feeling. The door was already ajar, so after knocking she opened it the rest of the way and stepped inside, her gaze immediately drawn to the man that was waiting for her there. She put on a polite, if slightly anxious smile. “Hello. I’m Sabrina Spellman. You’re Dr. Lu?”

    @Lucifer

     
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  2. Lucifer

    Lucifer Supernatural

    Posts:
    221

    Lucifer was found, as usual, as a vision of picturesque unassuming mundane pleasantness, his Doctor Lu spectacles positioned snug over his nose as the therapist was ostensibly absorbed in a newspaper puzzle called Super Sudoku. The latter was easily pushed aside as soon as the girl entered, his brows lifting as he cleared his desk, leaned his shoulders forward, and laced his fingers together.

    "That I am!" he confirmed, nodding her in with a warm crinkle of the eyes. On the other side of his desk, there was a lounge seat with any array of fidget spinners and a plush beagle puppy that turned into an actual beagle puppy given the desires and moods of whoever was holding it. His set-up likewise changed at whim. Nothing weird to it; this was a magic school, after all. "Feel free to make yourself comfortable."

    (This was the girl? Another Anti-Christ? Holy heckin' guacamole, that was funny. Might even make sense if one factored in that there might be one for every El Diablo taking up mandatory residence in Pandora, but this place was clearly beyond things like... logic. Though by a cursory guesstimation alone, he'd place Sabrina Spellman as more of a Jesse Turner than a Michael Langdon. Kinda a shame. Alternatively, variety was the spice of life.)

    He spread his hands, shoulders shrugging gently. "Y'know, I usually have you guys fill out a questionnaire, but this being the first day of June... I'm feeling rather antithetical to formality. How about you? What's shakin' in your world, Miss Spellman?"

     
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  3. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
    [​IMG]


    There was a calm and relaxed atmosphere attached to Dr. Lu’s office, one that immediately put Sabrina at ease. The therapist himself seemed nice as well, at least by first impressions alone – someone who, despite being a stranger, would probably be easy to talk to. Maybe she’d built up this experience too much in her head. It all seemed very casual now.

    Sabrina made her way over to the seat across from his desk and sat down, picking up one of the fidget spinners absently as she looked back at Dr. Lu. “Well,” she said slowly, shrugging. “I’ve never done this sort of thing before. Spoken to a professional, I mean. So, I don’t know how this normally goes, anyway.”

    Was it possible to overshare in a therapy appointment? The thought crossed her mind as she considered what she wanted to say, and how she was going to explain the things that were weighing on her mind. It would be a bit arrogant to think that other people had simpler problems, and she knew it wasn’t true besides, but theirs might be easier to describe. She pressed her lips together thoughtfully, deciding that she should at least try to be concise.

    “I’ve been going through kind of a weird time. It’s been going on since before I came to Pandora, and that was a few months ago. Before that, I’d just gone through a sort of…coming of age ritual. A baptism into my church.” This all sounded odd to her own ears without a deeper explanation, but she pressed on anyway. “I’m half witch, and in my faith, this ritual means more than just full acceptance into the church. It means gaining power, too, by strengthening your magic. It changes a person. I was told that it would, but the way I’ve changed since then…I don’t know. I feel like I’m not myself anymore.”

     
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  4. Lucifer

    Lucifer Supernatural

    Posts:
    221

    He lounged back into his seat with a thoughtful narrowing of his eyes. He could admit the concept of magic being trickier than what he was accustomed to, where his old and tried solutions needn't apply. Everyone had their own different rules as to what made their powers tick, how it fathomably changed them. Made him think outside of the box, but that was what Lucifer was here for. Even if he was really just here for the mental wellness side of it instead of the thermodynamics of sorcery, he liked to think his mastery of the latter was still helpful.

    And of course nothing was off limits, nothing was too strange. "Would you be able to give a bit more on how you've changed? The before and after? A difference of mood or tweaks to your worldview? I'm assuming it's more than a metaphor—and this is the last place that'll suggest 'it's all in your head' before we try and tackle it through every other angle," he added with a thin and friendly twitch of a smile.

     
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  5. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
    [​IMG]


    It really was hard to describe. The expected changes after a witch’s baptism were well understood by those in her coven, but even among her fellow witches, Sabrina’s experience was unique. She was a ‘half-breed’ – half mortal, half witch. The changes she was going to experience weren’t necessarily going to be shared by anyone else, and there were no other examples of half witches to look to. She wore a thoughtful frown as she considered how to put this.

    “My mood’s actually better, most of the time,” she admitted, though her expression didn’t reflect much happiness about this fact; instead, she looked troubled. “Accessing this new power is amazing. The moments when I’ve really tested it…I mean, I felt invincible. I guess it’s more to do with the things I’ve been doing with that power.”

    What she’d done with her power was mostly pretty neutral, but there were a few notable exceptions. Sabrina was a bit reluctant to talk about it. She’d come here with the intention of sharing, but actually doing so was another matter entirely. “Before the baptism, I was told that I’d start to feel more…detached from my mortal life. From my human friends and connections, I mean,” she clarified. “And before it happened, I couldn’t imagine that being true. My friends mean everything to me, and no matter what I do, being human will always be half of who I am. But then I went through with it, and it was true, but not for the reasons I expected.”

    She hesitated, her expression turning slightly wary. “I still value my friends, but…I feel like there’s something dark inside me now, and I have to shield them from it. If that makes any sense. So now I’m losing my friends, and…I’m afraid of what I’m becoming.”

     
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  6. Lucifer

    Lucifer Supernatural

    Posts:
    221

    "I take it these are friends from...home," he surmised. There was a short turn of his head, a curious glint in his eyes. Mortal life. Human friends and connections. The chasm between the mundane and the peculiar, at least from the perspective of those mundane, was really only an issue in places outside of Pandora. He supposed it could be an issue here for the poor folks who couldn't get the heck over themselves. But he was supposed to be patient. He was supposed to be understanding, and he did, because of course Lucifer did. Understand, that was.

    And so the therapist treated Sabrina's troubles as no less troubling than any other. "It sounds to me like the experience of going off to college, leaving your hometown behind, and undergoing change from these ... experiences, while struggling to remain connected with your circles from before." Doctor Lu spread out a palm, hedging in pre-empted acknowledgement, "It's obviously not a one-to-one comparison what with... the dark rituals and whatnot, but it's a common enough occurrence that takes many forms. If your worlds are as separate as I'm assuming them to be, I can imagine it's not gonna be easy being the trailblazer that manages to keep one foot rooted in both."

    He smiled sympathetically. "Doesn't mean you shouldn't try at all," if it ever even becomes relevant again "Especially if it means so much to you—but before that, what are you afraid of becoming?"

     
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  7. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
    [​IMG]


    She nodded; the friends she mentioned were from home, of course. She hadn’t managed to make all that many in Pandora. At least, not many close friends. She hadn’t thought too deeply about why that was until that moment, and she suddenly realized the reason. Her ‘coming out’ back home, to friends she’d had since childhood, had gone over…well, not completely disastrously, but not well, either. She had therefore shown a bit of caution when approaching friendships here in Pandora, never hiding the fact that she was a witch, but concealing the whole ‘I sold my soul and belong to a church of devil worshippers’ bit. It was difficult to forge meaningful relationships when she could never be fully honest.

    What Dr. Lu said about likening her experience to leaving for college did resonate a bit. The ritual she mentioned was meant to be part of the passage into adult life, after all. She also could consider herself a trailblazer, of sorts – not that there were any other half-witches to follow in her footsteps. But she was interested in changing minds, in both of her worlds. Nothing could deter her from that path.

    “I have been trying. Being away from home changes things, and I don’t know when, or…if, I’ll ever get to go back. But the same stigmas exist here, for most of the people I’ve met anyway.” She shrugged. The difference here was that the stigmas didn’t exist with everyone in Pandora, and that was no small thing and shouldn’t be taken for granted. Still, it was a lingering issue.

    She hesitated again. Dr. Lu was prompting her to answer a question that wasn’t exactly difficult to explain…just difficult to admit to. To speak out loud. What was she afraid of becoming? The session had been nicely judgement-free so far, and she had no real reason to think that that would change. Still…

    “…Evil, I guess,” she said, after a pause. “That sounds really dramatic, maybe it is. The more I learn about the truth of my church, the source of my magic…I don’t know. It’s not supposed to be evil, but sometimes I wonder. And ever since my baptism, it’s only been getting easier to go through with questionable things I never would have before. I mean, I summoned hellfire. I burned the souls of thirteen witches. They deserved it, they were going to hurt a lot of people, but…I didn’t have to enjoy doing that.”

    She bit her lip, chewing on it anxiously. There it was, the thing that had been bothering her for months now, and she’d finally said it out loud.

     
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  8. Lucifer

    Lucifer Supernatural

    Posts:
    221

    At the word evil, Doctor Lu could not help but lift his brows and scratch his chin. "Just so we're on the same page: you're uncomfortable with the fact that you took pleasure in burning the souls of thirteen witches?" ...Frankly he didn't see what the problem was, but he understood that wasn't going to be a satisfactory response to the poor, conflicted girl's dilemma. Lame.

    "I'm gonna be honest, Sabrina. This is gonna be a tough cookie to crack if your heart is set on following a specific moral standard." He spread out his hands and hunched his shoulders in a mild-mannered shrugging gesture. "It goes without saying that evil can be relative based on culture... upbringing... stuff like that, yeah? Now, it seems like the situation with those thirteen witches was fairly cut and dry. They had to be put down, or a lot of other people were gonna have a bad time. So it had to be done. What difference does it really make to you, inherently, if you enjoyed it? If it bothers you as something you really dislike feeling, then we can categorize it as a character flaw. And we all have flaws, bits of ourselves that our inner... consciences don't totally jive with. What matters more is how we continue to live our lives, and how we continue to treat others with them. Doesn't mean you still can't be a nice girl toward folks who, y'know, aren't mass murderers."

     
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  9. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
    [​IMG]


    “Yes,” she confirmed, frowning. “Doesn’t that seem, I don’t know, sadistic? I've been trying to tell myself that I was just…enjoying how powerful I felt, I guess? That it wasn’t about watching them burn. But I can’t tell if it’s true. Maybe it was both. Either way, it wasn’t…me. The me I thought I was, anyway.”

    Sabrina had been worried about the judgement that would come with her admission. It was only natural. She could name only a few people who might have shrugged off her concern as ridiculous, while the rest? All of her friends, society at large? They would have looked at her differently, probably with some level of horror. So it was something of a relief when Dr. Lu was completely unfazed. Her expression softened a little, her shoulders relaxing.

    “I could live with that. A character flaw.” She still didn’t like it, and it still made her uncomfortable, but it was a new way to frame the issue that she thought she could accept. “I guess I’m just scared that…since I’m changing, maybe that’s just the start, and it’s going to get worse.” She shrugged, and sighed a little. “I guess I’d just like to have a little more control over who I’m becoming. Maybe that’s unrealistic.”

     
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  10. Lucifer

    Lucifer Supernatural

    Posts:
    221

    What society of witches could have possibly raised a girl so averse to being vengeful? Her human friends must've been a bunch of sugarplum princesses or whatever (if he peered closer, he could tell they were most definitely not, but eh). Larry Lu continued to nod at the teenager with sagelike understanding. "Everybody has an inner sadist in 'em, Sabrina. If they don't, they're either a cartoon, a robot, or flat out not real."

    His lips twitched into a warm smile, the kind that was intended to dispel uneasy notions and replace them with a sense of reassurance. "Google intrusive thoughts for extra points, if you're keen. But what I'm really suggesting is... isn't who you are more about what you do rather than the things you're feeling up here?" He tapped the side of his noggin to indicate. "Not saying they're not important, but there's a reason why folks say actions define character."

    Though he had learned a great deal more about general humanity since his exit from the cage, he was beginning to feel the first nigglings of exasperation—from what felt like repeating the same tautology over and over again, but his patient veneer was ever unchanging. Sooner or later, she'd get it. She was a smart kid, right? Right? "So you were powerful and vindictive in the heat of the moment. Was there ever really a chance you were gonna use that against anyone who didn't, well, need to be stopped like those witches?"

     
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  11. Sabrina Spellman

    Sabrina Spellman The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

    Posts:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    Race:
    Nephilim
    Age:
    16
    Alignment:
    Chaotic Good
    Directory:
    link
    [​IMG]


    There was a key point in Sabrina’s concerns that she was finding it difficult to convey. She was troubled by some of the changes to her own behavior that she had experienced so far, but the more concerning thought was that she wasn’t done. She was actively, constantly changing, and had been since that day she signed the book, and she wasn’t sure when it would stabilize. She worried that she was essentially becoming a different person. In that case, it wouldn’t matter how she had historically behaved, because her future actions could no longer be predicted.

    But Dr. Lu really didn’t seem concerned. There was some reassurance in that. He might not fully understand her situation, but it was still nice to have expressed her feelings and to be told that it probably wasn’t as bad as she first thought. It could be as simple as making the choice to accept that and brush her concerns away. “I guess I could see that. And on the other hand of all of this…I mean, I don’t really know if these changes are permanent. Some of them definitely are, but maybe the rest are just a temporary part of the transition.” It was an optimistic thought, anyway.

    The question he posed caused her to hesitate, however. She knew what he wanted to hear. What she wanted to be able to say, to claim that of course she would never cause that kind of harm against someone who didn’t deserve it, and it was almost true. Almost. Because there had been moments since then where she felt an impulse to do some truly terrible things to people who deserved some comeuppance, but…not the things she had in mind. She hadn’t followed through on those impulses, though. Not so far. That was something, and according to Dr. Lu, at least, that was all that mattered.

    So Sabrina answered in a half-truth, shaking her head seriously. “No. I wouldn’t do that.” Maybe it was irresponsible not to properly explain, but she was pretty sure that she was just about crossing a line here: that if a counselor thought she was actually going to be a danger to others, something would have to be done about it.