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Private like screams in empty halls

Discussion in 'Crystal Vales' started by Jaesa Willsaam, Oct 9, 2019 at 3:24 PM.

  1. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

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    NOVEMBER 3, 109

    That Jaesa was upset was... It wasn't right. After reading the letter that had arrived at the inn for her late that morning, she hadn't just felt disappointed that the only friend with whom she shared a simple relationship had left the city, she was actually upset. More upset than she could really remember being about anything. Though she understood why Rey had left - she'd known, somehow, that the other woman's relationship was not to last - that didn't help the blow she felt at being left there in the city on her own. She had no ship of her own, no way to follow, and maybe it was just her mood talking but the tone of the letter hadn't seemed to invite Jaesa going along.

    She did understand Rey going, and she didn't blame the woman. But she could not help the feeling of being abandoned that gripped at her heart. Rey had been her only friend, since she had surely ruined everything when she had rejected Tamar so bluntly three nights earlier. She hadn't seen him since and he had not come to knock at her door. She didn't know if he now hated her or if he was simply respecting her wishes, but either way what had happened had left Rey as her only friend, the only person she could depend on for company in a world where she had no one else, despite the fact that she had not seen her in days. And now Rey was gone too, vanishing off into space with no idea of whether or not she'd ever be back. Jaesa didn't want to think about the implication that she was not someone to come back for. She didn't want to feel that bitterness.

    For hours, Jaesa had been meditating, working as she usually did to separate herself from the negative emotions, to purge them and get rid of them, but she struggled. Meditation was not always easy for her, but this was the hardest it had ever been. No matter how long she sat there, cross-legged in her room, the disappointment, sadness and loneliness just wouldn't go away. They festered, cold and dark and heavy, in her heart, and the longer she sat there by herself, the lonelier she had felt. What didn't help either were the memories of the nightmares that had plagued her nights, ruining her sleep, so much worse than they'd been before the night people called Halloween.

    By the time the sun was sinking, almost touching the horizon, Jaesa had left the city behind for the first time on her own. She had given up on meditation, and as that loneliness sank in deeper and deeper in her bones, thought of Tamar had floated around her mind until she had finally clipped her lightsaber to her belt (she was never getting caught outside without it again), threw on the long coat she had bought when shopping with Rey a couple of weeks earlier, and then left the inn and the city behind, going to the only place she could think of that had any connection to Tamar.

    Maybe she ought not to have been going to find him at all, given what had happened last time, but she missed him and with Rey gone, he was really all she had left. She just hoped that he wouldn't turn her away because of what she had said. They could still be friends, surely, without things becoming physical? Surely that wasn't impossible. If they could still be friends then maybe everything would be fine and she wouldn't be all alone in this world.

    By the time she reached the same thicket of trees they had taken shelter in in the little cave he'd made during the storm, Jaesa had found no sign at all of either Tamar or any of his wolves. She kept walking, the hem of her long coat whispering through the long grass behind her as she moved, her breath coming out in little puffs of white as the evening got cooler around her, feeling the warmth of tears on her cheeks turn quickly to cold, unsure even why she felt so upset.
     
    #1 Jaesa Willsaam, Oct 9, 2019 at 3:24 PM
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019 at 2:31 AM
  2. Sauron

    Sauron Tolkien Legendarium

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    Dark Lord
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    On His Dark Throne
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    Úmaia
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    Older than Time
    Alignment:
    Lawful Evil
    [​IMG]


    It was pathetic. To feel this way about her. To see her like this, so obviously struggling, the tears trickling down her cheeks and to feel this...how to even explain it? Like the drifting, grey chill of fog, like the air as the sky hung heavy with cloud-cover, as thunder rolled off in the distance, yet spread all through his very being. He ached to take physical form, to take her in his arms and to hold her. To not see her like this.

    To eviscerate whoever had brought her to such a state.


    He had managed three days. Since these...feelings, wherever they had come from had first begun. He refused to believe they were anything native to himself, of course., nothing borne naturally from the twining path he and the girl had shared over the years. It was too foreign a concept for him to even contemplate. No, this was simply another one of the games this world liked to play. So when she had said she did not want to see him any longer, he hadn't come back, neither with her knowledge nor without it. Not even, as he had been doing, to keep watch over her, to ensure that she would run into no other old friends or anyone else that might take it upon themselves to protect her. To keep her away from him.

    Three days, where he had struggled not to think about her. Three days, in which he'd found his mind wandering, even as he struggled to apply himself to his work in the Governor's office, traveling back to the hunger he has tasted on her lips, and the way her hands had felt, traveling up his arms as she pulled herself closer. His subtle encouragement of this new Governor's interest in him had fallen to the wayside.

    And now, he had found himself here again. Unable to stay away from her. Following her outside of the city, to...to a very familiar grove of trees indeed.

    Curious -- refusing to acknowledge the hopeful leap, as realization struck him as to the fact that this was one of the few places she might even begin a search for him -- he took form, his footsteps ghosting along the dry grasses with all of a hunter's silence as he emerged into the shadows, growing long beneath the setting sun's light, and followed after her.


     
    #2 Sauron, Oct 11, 2019 at 12:04 PM
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019 at 1:55 PM
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  3. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

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    Thunder rumbled in the distance, bringing Jaesa's head up from where it had been bowed against the cold wind, dark-eyed gaze sliding off in the direction of the sound. Thunder, as though to mirror the last time she had been out here, when she and Tamar had had to seek refuge in the cavern he had somehow created, when being so close together had pulled them into each other's arms for the first time.

    Even without realising it, her gaze slid to the thicket, to where that cavern no doubt remained, incongruous in its placement.

    She couldn't find any sign of Tamar, nothing nearby that would suggest he was around, and she couldn't help the long, miserable sigh that escaped her. Foolish of her, really, to come out here, to this random place that didn't really hold any connection to him at all. Just because his wolves had been around this location when he'd brought her here meant nothing. They probably roamed across a huge territory, Tamar with them. If only she hadn't turned down his offer the last time they'd been together, of going back to his home. If she had gone back, she would know where he could be found.

    Realising that she was an idiot for thinking he could be located so easily in this world she had not explored beyond this thicket, Jaesa stopped walking. She turned, to look back at the walls of the city, dark against the orange-streaked sky, but instead of going back and returning to that city that held nothing for her now her only remaining friend had up and left - not just abandoning Jaesa but leaving her employment status uncertain - Jaesa allowed her legs to fold beneath her, dropping down to the ground in the long grass with a muffled thump as tears slid down her cheeks.

    None of this was normal. Being so upset, when poor Rey was the one with a broken heart and every right to leave, made no sense. Missing Tamar so much wasn't right. Her emotions felt ragged, uncontrollable and resistant to meditation. She didn't like it at all. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she had barely slept in days, with what little sleep she did get filled with nightmares. She was exhausted. Maybe that was the reason she felt so sensitive.

    As she sat there, almost hidden in the long grass, she finally sensed something nearby. A thread in the Force, a familiar one that brought her head snapping up, dark eyes finding the approaching figure of Tamar despite not having heard a single sound. For a long moment, she was silent, simply looking at him, the tracks of tears on her cheek that should never have been there glistening in the half-light. "I didn't think I'd actually find you here," she said, just loudly enough to be heard, though the end of her words were swallowed by another rumble of distant thunder that only sent her mind reeling back to the last time they'd been out here.

    She probably ought to have realised that it was somewhat strange that he actually turn up in this one random location he had happened to show her once, but she didn't even consider the coincidence of it. She was just pleased to see someone she knew.
     
  4. Sauron

    Sauron Tolkien Legendarium

    Posts:
    134
    Occupation:
    Dark Lord
    Location:
    On His Dark Throne
    Race:
    Úmaia
    Age:
    Older than Time
    Alignment:
    Lawful Evil
    [​IMG]



    It was a bitter, acrid feeling that pierced through him as she turned to look his way. As she spoke, confirming for him that she had indeed come out this way to see him again. She was the one who had said the shouldn't see one another any longer, after all, and this after having avoided him for weeks before hand. There was almost something satisfying about seeing her there, sat before him now, the last rays of the day's light catching off the tear-tracks streaked across her face.

    He slowed in his step, coming to a halt not far off from the girl. His eyes swept over her, before he glanced back to the thicket behind him. "I was just...returning." He murmured.

    Another peal of thunder rumbled across the sky, and he frowned. The scent of petrichor hung thick now, he could nearly taste the rain on the air. "You should not be out here." The words were distant, cold. A pause, then, as he eyed the girl, his head just canting to the side. "Why were you looking for me?"

     
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  5. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

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    His voice as he spoke was as cold as the air around them, as distant as the thunder that rumbled again in the distance. It was getting closer, the scent of rain heavy on the wind. Jaesa hesitated. The only time she'd ever heard him so cold had been when he had been angry at the innkeeper for interfering.

    She had ruined it all last time, when she'd rejected him so bluntly. She'd regretted that in the days since. Not really stopping things, but that she'd told him they shouldn't see each other. Or... She didn't know. She didn't understand anything of how she was feeling right then, whether about Tamar or Rey.

    "I..." She frowned a little. He didn't sound pleased to see her, which she supposed wasn't surprising. But when she had only had two friends, with the other having left the city, it was still a blow. Never mind whatever else there was beyond them being friends that she didn't want to think about.

    She sighed, a long, miserable, tired sound. "Rey's gone," she murmured, looking away. "I didn't have anyone else to talk to, but--" She shook her head, started to get back to her feet, as the first fat drops of rain began to fall. Again, she was reminded of the little cave, of what had happened inside it.

    Rising to her feet, she pulled the long coat around her, tighter around her slender frame, and looked back at the city walls in the distance. The chill in Tamar's voice remained in her mind, somehow hurtful when directed at her even though she knew she deserved it for how she'd been acting. How she was still acting, coming out here to find him after she'd told him they couldn't see each other again, when he clearly didn't want to see her. Why did that hurt so much? Fresh tears collected at the corners of her eyes and began to trail down her cheeks, almost making her growl in frustration in a way most unlike her. "Maybe I should just go."
     
  6. Sauron

    Sauron Tolkien Legendarium

    Posts:
    134
    Occupation:
    Dark Lord
    Location:
    On His Dark Throne
    Race:
    Úmaia
    Age:
    Older than Time
    Alignment:
    Lawful Evil
    [​IMG]



    He'd let is emotions get the better of him, he knew it. Bitter, wounded pride at her rejection of hm, when it should no have even mattered, not as anything more than a mere mnor et-back. an obstacle to be worked around as there had been and would be so many others. It was that she was not even receptive to him -- she was out here, was she not? -- but the mere fact that she was afraid of just how receptive she was. She had be trained and raised to reject these feelings, he should know better.

    And yet that did not ease that feeling, as though he'd been pounced upon and pinned down by one of his own wargs, reawakened as she had looked at him. To be so weak, to let her gain even that much power over him....

    And he could not simply allow her to walk away now. This was...this was merely Pandora interfering once more. And he would not allow him to snatch away what he had been working the past weeks for, simply because he became frightened off himself.

    She was standing now as the rain began o fall, murmuring some broken explanation, only to come to agree with him that she should not have been out here in the first place. New tears were welling in her eyes, and she was..growing frustrated by it. He could have half convinced himself he'd heard some sound almost animal escape from her.

    It gave him pause. He hadn't seen her like this in some time, if at all.

    "Jaesa-" He reached out for her, grabbing at her shoulder, as he caught up after her. He stopped. jerked his hand back at the touch, as if just realizing what he was doing, and shook his head. "Jaesa..." He pressed his lips together, eyes trailing away over the grass, before he just shook his head. "Walk with me. We are going the same way anyway."

     
    #6 Sauron, Oct 11, 2019 at 4:19 PM
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019 at 5:48 PM
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  7. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

    Posts:
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    Jedi Padawan
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    She didn't like this, all these emotions that whirled up inside her only to settle and fester. It was nothing like she'd had to deal with in years and she didn't understand why she was suddenly having so much trouble. Why something like Rey being driven off by heartbreak hurt her so much, why the idea that Tamar no longer wanted to see her felt like it crushed at her insides, and why she felt almost angry at all of it. How vulnerable and sensitive she felt, when she was always in control. Even if that control slipped sometimes, even if sometimes she struggled, she was still better than this, crying over the most ridiculous things.

    The hand grabbing at her shoulder made her turn to look at him, something desolate and pained in her gaze as she did so before she managed some semblance of control at least over her expression. Or she would have, if not for those tear tracks. She lifted her hands, using the heels of her palms to wipe that dampness away. If Master Karr could see her now. Gah!

    "You don't have to walk with me," she murmured, but she turned to continue walking anyway. The rain fell heavier around them, and the world suddenly lit up in a flash of white. "If you don't want anything to do with me any more, I understand. I shouldn't have come after what I said, I just..." She shrugged her shoulders, looking away from him, ahead to where they were going. Thunder rumbled. "I didn't know where else to go." Where else she could go where she was not alone.
     
    #7 Jaesa Willsaam, Oct 11, 2019 at 5:17 PM
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019 at 5:54 PM
  8. Sauron

    Sauron Tolkien Legendarium

    Posts:
    134
    Occupation:
    Dark Lord
    Location:
    On His Dark Throne
    Race:
    Úmaia
    Age:
    Older than Time
    Alignment:
    Lawful Evil
    [​IMG]



    He was silent, simply falling into step beside her as she began her trek back to the city.It was those last words that got him to turn to her, rather than stare continue on staring straight ahead, towards the dark, distant forms of the city's walls. She had no whee else to go, no one else to turn to. To hear her say it aloud, to admit so much, so plainly to him. It was as though she were simply giving herself to him, really. Asking him to draw her away, down this path he had planned for her. He could not have asked for more.

    Despite himself, he found his expression softening as he looked upon her, the way her shoulders sagged, as though suddenly she were carrying the weight of all the world, and how she looked away from him. "No." He murmured, "I don't have to walk with you."

    He continued on, steps matching in time with her own, across the fields as waist high stalks of drying grass flicked rainwater back at them. For a long moment his eyes just rested on the city again, as he fell into silence once more. A long sigh escaped him, his lips pressing together.

    He dared a glance back the girl's way, then hesitated a moment more."Would you...I mean, as a friend, t need not mean anything else, but...do you want to come back with me? To my home. Just for a cup of tea or...you just look as though you could use it."


     
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  9. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

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    Her eyes remained fixed on the distant walls, though she didn't really know why she was even going back there. There wasn't really anything there for her in the city, was there? Rey had gone, and with her had gone her job. She no longer had an income, because without Rey the flower shop could not remain open, and she didn't... she didn't know how to get a job anywhere else, or what she could even do. She could no longer afford to pay for the room at the inn, and she could hardly ask Tamar to go back to paying for her, not after more than a month in this world and not after how they'd left things three nights ago.

    What was she going to do?

    When he began to speak, to ask her if she wanted to go back to his home, she realised that he actually sounded awkward. Maybe he thought she would be quick to say no again, the way she had last time. Last time she'd worried what might happen between them, but that had ended up happening in her room anyway. This time... This time she didn't even hesitate.

    "Yes," she said quickly. She looked up at him, just for a moment, thankful that he had asked. "Please. I don't want to be alone tonight." She couldn't. She'd been alone for days. She hadn't seen Rey since before the last time she'd seen Tamar, and once she and Tamar had once again avoided each other, she'd spent the past three days by herself, trying not to feel so desperately lonely. Knowing now that Rey might never return to Cascade Bay, she felt the need to stay close to the only person she had left. The possibility of anything happening between them didn't even factor into it; a mark, really, of how miserable and alone she was. "Where... where do you live?" He'd never said, she realised.
     
  10. Sauron

    Sauron Tolkien Legendarium

    Posts:
    134
    Occupation:
    Dark Lord
    Location:
    On His Dark Throne
    Race:
    Úmaia
    Age:
    Older than Time
    Alignment:
    Lawful Evil
    [​IMG]


    A smile, slight, hesitant, yet still so obviously there. An attempt at reassurance,even despite the past several days, those moments in her room that had begun all of this, her own instance that it would be for the best if they not see one another. Just as kind as it had ever been, just as warm. I still care for you, I will not leave you, you are still so important to me, that look, brief as it was, was meant to say.

    And with as much as this world was toying with him yet again, he even meant most of it.

    "Of course not," he said, "Your welcome to stay."

    The question of where it was he'd lived came up next, of course, and he was more than prepared to answer it. With not one, but two identities residing within the city, it would have been foolish not to be. "Not far." He assured her, "Jusi in town actually, not far from where you were." There had been, actually, a hunter that had lived there, just before the last Governor's new secretary had taken his position. The man's disappearance had not been questioned, of course. It was Pandora, after all, people vanished all of the time.

    Even as he spoke, he led her through the city gates, through roads that were so full of life and people in daylight and were not transformed, to things inhabited only by dark mirror-like puddles reflecting the orange glow of gas lamps, and their own shadowy figures.

    The house e brought her to was small, yet as he clicked open the door and lit the house -- with a thoughtless gesture towards the lamps and the fire place as he led her through -- it seemed cheerful and welcoming enough, all worn wooden furniture and thick furs and pelts thrown about for warmth and comfort. It was a lived in sort of place. Homey, almost. Sit." He said, before disappearing into the next room, only to reappear a moment later, with a kettle to hang over the hearth. As he knelt by the fire he turned a glance back to the girl.

    "Have you been..." He paused, hesitant again, as though he was not sure how to approach the question, "You seem..." he settled on, "different, than you usually do..."

     
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  11. Jaesa Willsaam

    Jaesa Willsaam Star Wars

    Posts:
    2,888
    Occupation:
    Jedi Padawan
    Race:
    Force-Sensitive Human
    Age:
    21
    Alignment:
    Neutral Good
    Directory:
    link
    Though Jaesa walked along in silence, distracted by her own emotions, she walked close to Tamar. She didn't even realise; it was a instinctual, subconscious thing, desperation for warmth and company after her time alone.

    To others it might have seemed ridiculous, that she could be affected so much by three days completely on her own. But for Jaesa, who had never gone without the company of people who cared about her and looked after her before, it was difficult. Even in the early days of her time here, Tamar had dropped around every evening. And even when she hadn't had him, she'd had Rey when she had gone to work at the woman's little flower shop. Without either of them...

    Well, she couldn't help walking along close to him.

    The house he led her to was small and almost depressingly low-tech, though it seemed this entire city was. She eyed the furs and pelts, never having seen such things used to decorate a living space before. She pulled off her coat, wet from the rain, and hung it on a hook by the door. When he told her to sit, she lowered herself almost hesitantly onto one end of the couch, pushing wet hair from her eyes with one hand.

    When Tamar mentioned that she had seemed different, she shrugged, her lips turning downwards at the corners.

    "I don't know," she murmured, her hands folded in her lap. "I shouldn't be this upset, I just..." She shook her head, rubbed at her eyes with one hand. "I think maybe I'm just tired. I haven't really been sleeping very well lately." Not with her bad dreams. Bad dreams that were all the worse for the fact that she didn't know if they were disturbing messages through the Force or not.
     
    #11 Jaesa Willsaam, Oct 12, 2019 at 4:07 AM
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2019 at 1:07 PM