September 5th - Onward
Did an asshole in a cape fly through your house? Did a supervillain clown blow up your restaurant? Did an overpowered gravity defying multi-colored haired cosplayer with a big sword set your hair salon on fire? We've all been there, and we know exactly how much of a pain in the rear it can be waiting for your insurance claims to go through. Suffer no more! We at Boxfeed News have uncovered this one WEIRD trick that'll fix your houses and restaurants and salons right up long before the assessors come knocking!
Step 1) Log onto your Pwitter account.
Step 2) Post clear photos of your property before and after certain destruction.
Step 3) Pweet it with the hashtag #babayagamyhouse.
Step 4) If you score enough visibility for Baba Yaga to see, the witch herself will appear and uncook your goose!
According to the eponymous Petey of Petey's Pizza, Baba Yaga herself came to save his pizzeria while his insurance company stalled. Petey's statement to Boxfeed News: "She just— flew in and flew out and fixed everything! In like thirty seconds, with this wiggly woo witchcraft! And hell, the oven's better than ever! AND [REDACTED] YOU, CLOWN! PETEY'S IS BACK OPEN FOR BUSINESS!"
One of our intrepid reporters was able to get in touch with Baba Yaga for an EXCLUSIVE interview while resolving a house-fire of their own.
[atrocious phone recorder shakycam, Baba Yaga is clad in a red hooded cloak with a hand covering her face, turned away]
"HOLY SHIT, BABA YAGA!"
"I mean, while you're listening, I'm not-- not [sic] actually Baba Yaga."
"Oh my god, you're the Crimson Countess?"
[unintelligible wheezing and more shakycam before video cuts off]
Subscribe to Boxfeed News for the EXCLUSIVE remainder of the EXCLUSIVE interview!
The following relevant hashtags are currently trending on Pwitter: #babayagamyhouse #crimsoncountessmyhouse #scarletwitchpeteyspizza.