Complete Please Buy a Damn Bottle

[Kyle Hyde]

December 6, 110

@Carter J. Burke

Kyle Hyde was in trouble and he knew it.

Despite being employed as a Nuka-Cola salesman for the past month or so, Kyle had made a surprisingly miniscule amount of sales. His employers were growing impatient with him, "Something tells me these guys won't be as lenient as Ed was," thought Hyde glumly, "but seriously what do they expect from me, there aren't enough people around dumb enough to actually buy this crap."

"Oh well, I should stop complaining and focus on my job for now," resolved the ex-detective, "besides this place should have at least one dumbass I can trick into buying this junk," Kyle was standing in front of the Green Acre Crescent, an upper-middle class part of Ark City.

From his 3 years of experience as a door-to-door salesman, Hyde knew that upper-middle class types were the most likely to actually buy what he was selling. Poorer people tended to be more careful about buying crap they didn't really need, and richer folks were usually just stingy jackasses, but middle-class types had just enough money that they'd be willing to consider buying things they didn't really need.

Entering the community from the right side, the salesman chose the house closest to him: 56.

He walked up to the front-door and gave it 3 loud knocks, "Hello, my name is Kyle Hyde, and I'm with Nuka-Cola, here to sell you some of our-" he grit his teeth, "-delicious drinks."

 

[Carter J. Burke]

It wasn’t often that someone dropped by to pay a visit to Carter Burke, and when they did, it was usually to pester him or make his life miserable in some other way. So naturally, when the sound of the rapping on the door rang through the hallway, Burke felt reluctant to get up from the couch and answer it. Whoever was on the other side was likely interested in barging into his house without an invitation. Burke could have put his money on monster-man David Palmer or that dastardly duo which was also somewhat of a trio, One-One and Scaramouche. They seemed to have made a habit of dropping by unannounced and giving him a headache.

However, this time it looked like he was going to be dealing with something different. The mystery man from behind the door chose to make himself known rather than leave his identity as an eventual surprise. Burke looked over his shoulder attentively as he introduced himself as Hyde, and finally got up to enter the hall as the name Nuka Cola was dropped. The brand name was vaguely familiar. Hadn’t he sampled one of the drinks a long while back and suffered a headache right afterwards?

He supposed talking with this representative wouldn’t be a total waste of time, and that he might be able to find out from him if the drink had that sort of side effect. And if didn’t, he’d consider buying another one off the guy because the syrupy beverages were a bit of a weakness for him. Hell, it might be worth it even if it did give him a nasty headache.

Burke opened the door, putting on a meek smile as he leaned against the frame. “Hi.” Though he wouldn’t admit it he was a bit put off by the pause Mr. Hyde had used before describing the drinks as delicious as it made him seem unconvinced by his own product, though for now he’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It was very possible the guy was new to his job and nervous.

“You’re selling Nuka Cola, huh?” He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. “You know, it sure has been awhile since I’ve had a real soft drink.” Diet Coke was a staple in his house but the lack of sugar sometimes left him desiring something better. “Did you bring any samples with ya? I’m pretty sure I only ever tasted Cherry.”

 

[Kyle Hyde]

Much to Kyle's delight and surprise, a person actually came to the door.

The man looked around Hyde's age, except much more anxious, and frankly kind of annoying-looking, "Damn, this guy really looks on edge. He reminds me of that other salesman who lives in my building... what was his name again?" Kyle pushed his thoughts aside, he needed to focus on closing the deal.

Just as Hyde was about to say the bullshit he prepared for trying to convince potential customers that Nuka-Cola wasn't nearly as bad as it actually was, the anxious-man said something surprising. It seemed he already tried one of the Nuka-Cola brands before and was somehow willing to buy more, "To think there are actually people who like this stuff..."

Normally, the ex-detective avoided giving samples to anyone, after all, it was more than likely that they wouldn't buy anything afterwards. However, if this guy was crazy enough to want to drink more than one Nuka-Cola in his life, then chances are that samples could somehow make him more likely to buy something.

Remembering the proper salesman etiquette, Hyde smiled at the potential customer:

He probably shouldn't have bothered, the smile probably came off as more condescending than approachable, "Of course, I always carry plenty of samples on me-" Kyle opened his briefcase and took a deep breath, "-I have: Nuka-Cola, Diet Nuka-Cola, Nuka-Cola Cranberry, Nuka-Cola Grape, Nuka-Cola Dark, Nuka-Cola Orange, Nuka-Cola Quantum, Nuka-Cola Victory, Nuka-Cola Wild, and Nuka-Cola Cherry of course," he was impressed that he could remember all that; of course, he'd be in trouble if the anxious-man actually had any questions about any of the flavors.

"Which one do you want to try?"

 

[Carter J. Burke]

Any idea he had that the guy was nervous about his job vanished the moment he was flashed the smile. This guy clearly has confidence at least to some degree, a natural born salesman if there ever was such a thing. Aside from the fact that he’d delayed describing the drinks as delicious, of course. Burke had seen a similar kind of reaction in people he’d worked with at the Company before. At a shady corporation like Weyland-Yutani and more recently Weyland Technologies, that sort of behavior was common among the workers, especially their more eccentric scientists. It was often used if secrets were in danger of being exposed.

For that reason, it was hard not to wonder if Mr. Hyde was withholding some information about the syrupy beverages, specifically regarding side effects that the drinks might give after being consumed. Burke would be sure to ask as politely as he could manage, but only after taking a good look at all of the samples.

Stepping aside to unobstruct the entrance to his house, he gestured towards the living room and nodded. “Hey, why don’t you have a seat, make yourself comfortable?” He figured the samples inside the briefcase would be easier to look at and try while they rested on a table, and it never hurt to look hospitable.

As he led the way toward the couch, Burke casually made mention of what was on his mind. “You know, the...the last time I drank a bottle of Cherry, I wasn’t feeling too hot.” He gave the other a sheepish, almost expectant look. “Sweeteners like saccharin, they’ve never had that kind of effect on me. But uh...yeah. I ended up with a headache that day, if I’m remembering correctly.”

He cleared his throat nervously, hoping he hadn’t offended Hyde with the comments. Just in case, he added quickly, “it was worth it for the taste, by the way. So let’s see what you have here.” Burke took a seat on the sofa and waited for Hyde to do the same. “How would you say the Diet compares to Regular?”

 

[Kyle Hyde]

Kyle gladly took a seat. He knew from experience that getting invited into peoples' homes generally means that you've got them in your grasp.

"I've got this guy right where I want him," thought Hyde smugly. Unfortunately, this smugness didn't fare well at the mention of Nuka-Cola's side effects.

Just as the salesman was about to make up an excuse, the anxious man suddenly changed the topic. It was almost as if he was trying to get himself scammed.

"This guy must hate confrontation, what a wuss..." deduced the ex-detective, "Looks like I've finally gotten a lucky break."

"You were probably just feeling under the weather that day,"

gaslit Kyle in the most friendly tone he could muster, "Anyway as for Diet Nuka-Cola, as it sounds it's just a more healthy, less tasty version of the original. Do you want to try a sip?"

 

[Carter J. Burke]

At that response, Burke tried to think back on the time that he’d first tried Nuka Cola. It had been so long ago that it was difficult to remember every detail of that day, but he could recall arguing with somebody over a business deal or something along the lines of one. It was that weird Gudako kid, wasn’t it? The heated discussion most definitely involved a Xenomorph as well, which just so happened to be a very big stressor for him.

Perhaps it was more likely that the argument had given him a headache as opposed to taking a swig or few of the sugar-infused drink. Coming to that conclusion, he gave a sincere nod and answered. “Y-yeah. I think you’re right. I was having a real tough time at work that day.” That was the easiest way to explain it, no doubt.

His attention fell upon the case of samples as Mr. Hyde began to describe the diet version of beverage. “It sure sounds to me that they’re a lot like the Coca-Cola drinks back at home,” he mused out loud, a chuckle accompanying his words. “Healthier taste, not as many calories...still too hard to pass up.” Burke smiled weakly, his gaze returning to Kyle. While he knew it’d be best for him to lay off the sugar and snacks in general, it was near impossible to resist the sweet taste of a soft drink especially when somebody had brought them right into his house.

“Yeah,” Burke finally said, shrugging nonchalantly. “I don’t see why not. I’ll take a sample of the uh...the regular too, compare the two.” He looked in the direction of the case again and yet another question came to mind. As he reached out to take the first sample, which he presumed would be Diet, he brought it up innocently. “So uh…the name Nuka-Cola. Where’d it come from, huh? Something had to inspire it.”

 

[Kyle Hyde]

Kyle expended herculean amounts of effort preventing himself from grinning after seeing that his bluff actually worked, "Damn, this guy's a tool!" it seemed that a sale was all but certain.

"Yeah, it's basically the same thing as Coca-Cola back home," lied the salesman as he poured a small sample of the regular version into a plastic cup. Such a small amount of the stuff wouldn't have noticeable effects on its victim... probably.

Hyde fumbled the Diet Nuka-Cola bottle slightly at the anxious man's question.

Fortunately, he was able to quickly regain his composure,

"Not sure where it came from to be honest. Probably just a flashy name meant to turn heads."

 

[Carter J. Burke]

Toward the remark that likened the two different brands of Cola, Burke gave a nod and managed a slightly more confident smile. “Yeah. From what I can remember, Nuka Cola’s a damn good imitation.” He suddenly paused, looking a little embarrassed. Hopefully the salesman wouldn’t take that as an insult and charge him double the price of the drink he was planning on buying. Not that it really mattered, of course. A bottle of pop was pretty cheap and Burke had plenty of cash to spare.

Instead of trying to come up with a way to backtrack the comment he’d previously made, he merely took the filled plastic cup that was offered. “This is the uh, the diet one, right?” Before getting any form of answer, he downed the contents in a single gulp. A satisfied sigh escaped him afterwards. “Yeah, it tastes pretty close to a Coca-Cola regular. I guess you could say there’s a little more of a kick to it.” He hummed thoughtfully. ”You know, this is one of the better diet drinks I’ve had.”

Burke was just about to reach out for another sample, but then he took notice of the slight fumble and hesitated. What he’d said next did nothing to reassure him, either. Surely this guy would at least know where the name of the company he worked for had come from! The response he’d given was just odd.

Even he had a better guess as to how the beverage had earned its name, or so he thought. “I’ll bet you it's some kind of reference to the flavor, ‘cause if you ask me, it’s a real sugar bomb,” he commented, fidgeting nervously with the plastic cup he still held in his hands. “Bombs, nukes. But not the kind that’ll kill ya, am I right?” Burke chuckled at his own joke, though he still felt that something was off. Perhaps Hyde’s response to the quip would be a little more telling.

For now though, he was mostly interested in comparing the two flavors. “So uh, how about the next one, huh?”

 

[Kyle Hyde]

Kyle bit his lip, trying to prevent himself from expressing his disagreement with the man's assessment, "This guy clearly has more than a few screws loose if thinks this is a good imitation," he thought sardonically.

"No, you just drank the regular one," replied Hyde dryly. So far so good, the anxious man didn't seem to notice his slip-up, it would be smooth sailing from here on out.

Just as he was about to pass on the diet sample, the potential-buyer chimed in.

The salesman examined the man's face to see if he was onto him,

"Huh, I think he might've noticed... good thing he's too much of a pussy to actually mention it."

The ex-detective knew from experience that the worst thing you could do when someone is suspicious of you is to try and change your story. The only thing you can really do is reinforce your story.

The salesman laughed along with his potential customer, "Heh, I sure hope not. Guess, I should probably ask someone when I get back. Anyway here you go," he casually handed the anxious man the actual diet sample.

 

[Carter J. Burke]

Burke tilted his head to the side and half-smirked, somewhat amused by his own oversight. “I really...I really should’ve known. I mean, what kinda diet soda’s as sweet as that?” It almost tasted as if it contained more sugar in it than a Coca-Cola, which was quite a difficult feat to pull off.

If there was some kind of Pandora-exclusive ingredient in there then Burke was interested in finding out what it was. A sweetener such as that could easily prove itself to be a new kryptonite for him, as long as it didn’t give him a splitting headache every time he ingested it. So far he was feeling well enough, so there was always hope that the last instance had been a fluke.

While it was suspicious that he didn’t seem to have more of an understanding about what he was trying to sell, the salesman seemed friendly enough and eager to learn, or so he claimed, so at least there was that. “Yeah, it might not be such a bad idea,” Burke suggested as he exchanged the empty cup for the second sample. “Getting to know whatever you can about the company’s history and the product...that’s a real big step in the right direction.”

For a moment he eyed the other man cautiously, and then he nonchalantly added, “I’m gonna hazard a guess and say that you’re new to the job.” The statement probably came off as rude, but Burke was curious to see how he would respond to it, and if it would clue him in any more on his - and the product’s - true nature. But regardless of what it was, he wouldn’t concern over it until after he’d sampled the diet variation of the Nuka Cola beverage.

In a single swallow, the second cup was emptied. “Yeah, now I see. This one definitely has more of the diet factor, taste-wise.” Burke remarked, handing the empty cup back to Hyde. “But uh, what the hell. It’s good enough for me.”

 

[Kyle Hyde]

The anxious man seemed to have mostly bought Kyle's lie, he just needed to give him one last push and the sale would be as good as done, "Huh, is it really that obvious?" replied a crestfallen Hyde, "Yeah, you're completely right, I've only been with Nuka-Cola for about a month now."

Perfect, now he just had to do some sucking-up for good measure,

"Yeah, I really should know this stuff like the back of my hand, I need to follow your advice on that."

Kyle withheld his urge to express his disgust with the man's love of Nuka-Cola and pulled out his notepad, "How many diets should I put you down for?"

 

[Carter J. Burke]

If Mr. Hyde was lying then he was doing a damn good job of it. He hadn’t acted offended in the slightest which would have been the kind of response Burke had expected out of him. Instead his demeanor remained friendly, and he even went as far as to suggest he’d follow the given advice. A very convincing poker face, if that was what it was.

Burke offered a smile and a nod in response, then went on to inform the other man of his own work experiences. “I’m a Special Projects Director at a fairly well-known company, that’s Weyland Technologies, so I know the ins and outs of these kinda things.” He figured an introduction was necessary, so he made one next. “I’m Burke, by the way. Carter Burke. Maybe you’ve heard the name before.” Not by means of the Scoops Ahoy scandal, he hoped. That story was a real doozy.

Drugged ice cream controversies aside, Hyde seemed eager to sell a bottle of Nuka Cola, if not more than one. Burke hummed thoughtfully, giving it a bit of thought before deciding to go easy on him and give him the benefit of the doubt. The headache he’d suffered that day could have easily been stress-related. There was no proof it’d been caused by the beverage, not yet.

“Hm. I’ll take a six-pack,” he decided. "That...that can't do a whole lotta damage." Surely if he could finish that many drinks off in a week and not feel ill from it afterwards, Nuka Cola would be in the clear.

 

[Kyle Hyde]

Kyle was surprised at Burke's profession, "I wouldn't have thought that a bigshot company man would get duped so easily," thought a surprised Hyde, "But I guess he can't be that important if I've never even heard of the damn place."

Brushing these thoughts aside, the salesman gave the anxious man a much more successful attempt at a warm smile,

"Wow, I never would've thought I'd ever get to sell to someone so important," the ex-detective was relieved that he was able to say that with a straight face.

The ex-detective pulled out his notepad, happy to finally be in the clear, "A six-pack, that'll be... 10 bronze."

After jotting down the order and receiving his payment, Kyle took a pack of diet Nuka-Cola from his briefcase and placed it on Burke's table, "Thank you for your purchase sir! I hope you'll continue buying from us." and with that he took his leave.

The ex-detective walked next-door, to house 55. Before knocking on the door he let allowed one last comment to escape from his lips, "...What a tool."