We are a panfandom featuring canon characters from nearly any live action, animated, video game,
drawn, or authored media. The Gods are fickle, toying with those deemed interesting
enough to be plucked from the world they once knew. Pandora's Box shall be your new home,
as they command.
"Shit," Villanelle breathes, a curse hissed through her teeth. She scrambles into a sitting position, one hand to the back of her head, expecting to find her hair wet and matted with blood. She'd been shot, she thinks. She remembers the sound of gunfire. A quick burst of pain, and then -- nothing. Blackness. Someone had known to wait for her to come out of the water, wait until she was drying off -- when she's most vulnerable. That same person had known that a headshot, point blank, is too immediately fatal an injury for even her accelerated healing. Villanelle doesn't know how her attacker had known these things, or why she hadn't been able to scent or hear them before they'd struck. She just knows they are going to pay. As soon as she finds her way out of...
"Valhalla," a Valkyrie tells her curtly, and Villanelle bites back a grim, nervous laugh. She's never seen this place before. And if she'd ever imagined the Valhalla of Norse myth -- she supposes this might what she would've pictured. Grand halls. Great warriors. A slightly ethereal quality to the air. Villanelle wanders for a while, certain (against all logic) that she is going to find a way out. That there's going to be a big door marked 'EXIT' in bright red letters.
Instead, what she finds is an elaborate, enormous dining hall, with more food and luxury than she's ever seen in her life (and she's been living quite luxuriously, these past few years). It feels like a trap. A temptation. Maybe she's dreaming, or in a coma -- maybe someone's tempting her to stay here, in the realm of unconsciousness, while life goes on around her forever.
But, something inside her whispers. If they really meant to convince you to stay -- Eve would be here.
No illusion, no deceptive fantasy, would have a shot at ensnaring Villanelle without her.
So that leaves... a very limited number of options. She sits down heavily in a chair at the massive table, not even bothering to check who she's seated herself next to. All she registers in her peripheral vision is that they don't look like they belong here, either. And so Villanelle mutters the question she most dreads, keeping her voice low: "Are we dead?"
The striped poltergeist was in heaven. Viking heaven, but still heaven. Everyone could see him here and it was amaaazing! But a few days in he realized that just about anyone that didn't look native was just leaving after a day, taxi'd away back to the real world.
He'd walked into a goldmine.
Like a desperate divorce lawyer he was gonna start handing out business cards emblazoned with his name as if there was no tomorrow, starting with the shocked, the vulnerable, the ones who seemed oh so lost in this new afterlife. Like that drink of water that just slumped down like all was lost, definitely the best first victim friend.
He slid into the seat next to her, almost obliviously shoving some drunk guy away who thankfully didn't care.
"Yep. D-E-D, dead! Never gonna see your loved ones ever again, hope you got to tell them you loved 'em one last time because you crossed the finish line and can't go back!" he all-too-happily declared while whipping out a little black rectangle from nowhere and offering it to the poor new soul with a big, sharky grin, "Card?"
This guy, she immediately decides, is way, way too happy about being dead. And way too happy about her being dead. And...
...Fuck, he still has a good point. She's dead. Eve is going to kill her. Or just suffer, terribly, immensely, because she's already watched Villanelle die once in Pandora, and Villanelle knows it almost destroyed her. She grinds her teeth and gives the grinning man a look that could feasibly melt the pinstripes off his suit.
"What is this," she snaps, swiping the card from his hand because it's -- it's something else to focus on, at least. A conveniently offered distraction. "You run some kind of business here? In Valhalla?"
Really, it should be some kind of compliment, or something: that she's evidently ended up in an afterlife traditionally meant for warriors. But all she can think, as she glances down to read the card, is: they have fucking capitalism here too?
Ooooh she was mad. Couldn't blame her, an attitude like that probably meant her end was pretty unplanned and crazy inconvenient. Literally, like, the best kind because angry ghosts always wanted to get back ASAP and wouldn't look to close at the fine print. Or blatant lies.
"Well not just here, but considering my services are pretty much exclusive to dead people this is a damn good place to rub elbows... and other things," he assured with a big gesture towards all the dead losers eating up the afterlife. He then tapped a pale & black-nailed finger at the card, his name in electric green- wonder what his favorite color is? - with smaller text in red declaring Bio-exorcist! Demonic Deals! Dead Guidance Counseling!
And then he flipped his fingers like a magician to reveal a second card- the same thing but flipped to the back- and lined it up above the one in her hand: Getting back to life!
"Honestly it's super lucky for you I happened to pop by when I did, I can just tell you really need a friend right now," he stuck his other hand out for a friendly shake. "It's pronounced 'Beetlejuice' by the way. Please wear it out."
Now, reader, you might be thinking: Betelgeuse just said his name! That's breaking the number one rule of being Betelgeuse! But there's a little loophole to that rule, one that can be merrily exploited in Viking undead funtown: Technically everyone here is dead, which means that name is no longer on lockdown. That's why it was so damn important to him that he get the word out now!
And then he followed it all up with a wink, because everyone trusts a guy that winks.
Hi friends I want to apologise for my absentness of late; work is crazy right now and I'm just feeling like poop.
Thank you to everyone I'm plotting for being so patient with me and everyone in general for just being so lovely, you guys are the best